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 (Superjail!) Knocked Up - Jail Edition

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Jackalope
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PostSubject: (Superjail!) Knocked Up - Jail Edition   Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:35 pm

In this fic, we shall visit the touchy but interestink world of male pregnancy. While it has no business being so, the story is worksafe. Vamanos, ye children of perdition!

----

First Trimester

Traditionally, doctors have measured pregnancy from a number of convenient points, including the day of last menstruation, ovulation, fertilization, implantation and chemical detection. In medicine, pregnancy is often defined as beginning when the developing embryo becomes implanted into the endometrial lining of a woman's uterus. In some cases where complications may have arisen, the fertilized egg might implant itself in the fallopian tubes or the cervix, causing an ectopic pregnancy. Most pregnant women do not have any specific signs or symptoms of implantation, although it is not uncommon to experience light bleeding at implantation. Some women will also experience cramping during their first trimester. This is usually of no concern unless there is spotting or bleeding as well. The outer layers of the embryo grow and form a placenta, for the purpose of receiving essential nutrients through the uterine wall, or endometrium. The umbilical cord in a newborn child consists of the remnants of the connection to the placenta. The developing embryo undergoes tremendous growth and changes during the process of foetal development.

Morning sickness can occur in about seventy percent of all pregnant women and typically improves after the first trimester. Most miscarriages occur during this period.


--

Month 1

-

The Warden sat at his desk, head resting on his hands, staring blankly off into space like a victim in shock. He was vaguely aware that someone had come into his office, but he didn't bother with acknowledging whoever it was. Nothing could be more pressing, big, or worse news than what he'd just found out.

"Sir?" Jared asked. "What's wrong?"

The Warden opened his mouth, then shut it, as if thinking putting it in words would make it irrevocably true. But the tests didn't lie. They could be wrong, but there was no chance of that. So he finally deigned to state it: "Jared, I'm pregnant."

There was a silence of about a minute, afterwhich the air was punctuated by the little man trying - unsuccessfully - to stifle giggles. "What?" He fell down, still struggling to hold back a burst of hyena-ish laughter. "Are you serious, Sir?!"

To prove that was, in fact, the case, the Warden handed him a stick. Not just any stick - a pregnancy test. And it was positive.

Jared's chuckles turned nervous and unsure as the significance of the stick dawned on him. "Don't be silly, Sir," he said, still trying to deny it. "Men don't get pregnant. It's a false positive."

"Then how do you explain these?" The Warden pulled ten of the same tests out of the trash. Not a one read negative.

Jared couldn't bring himself to look at the tests for more than a second before he started to get woozy. "How did this happen, Sir?"

The Warden actually smiled fondly as he recounted the incident. "Well, it was about a week and a half ago. You see, I was in the prison yard looking for my Fourth Tuesday hat, and Alice - well, she was drunk, and she must have thought I was an inmate. She called me Charlie and dragged me off to one of the torture chambers. So I found myself in chains, and... It was horrible... and kinky... and erotic..." He shook his head and blinked as if waking up. "Oh, but I'm sure nobody wants to hear the sordid details of that night."

"Well, actually-"

"Nobody wants to hear it! ...So for the past week, I've been really nauseous. But it wasn't the flu. I don't know why, but I bought one of those tests. And then I got the other ones. And now we're here."

"Sir, I meant how, physically, did this happen? Men don't get pregnant."

"Well, obviously, somehow they do, or I wouldn't be. Now then," - he got up to leave - "I must tell Alice about the g- g-" He swallowed, hesitating. "Good news."

--

Month 2

-

If the Warden wanted to keep a lid on the fact he was expecting, he was out of luck. The word spread like a cold in a school. A few inmates handed Alice cigars as she walked by their cells; but the bulk of the population, those whom she had "picked on", lined up to request their own pregnancy tests, fearing that they too might be carrying burdens.

It was paranoia and euphoria wrapped up in a package the likes of which no old folks' home filled with gossiping biddies could ever hope to top.

--

Month 3

-

The Warden, reclining at his desk, read a book entitled "The Horribly Wonderful World of Pregnancy". Written for those such as young teenage girls who really didn't want to have children of their own but were too polite to the excited parties around them to say so, it covered the ground from positive test to birth, with ways to "just happen" to have an accident and miscarry carefully worded so as not to raise suspicions amongst others. He took solace in the odds of miscarriage, especially if he "wasn't careful enough".

At one point, he became aware of a repetitive techno beat pulsing in the background. He kept on reading until it got too annoying to be ignored. "What do you want?" he finally addressed the twins.

They shifted uneasily like cattails in the breeze. "May... May we touch your stomach?"

At that, the Warden held his book close to his eyes. "No. Go away."

There was a little scuffle as the twins sort of fell across his desk in an effort to cop one little feel. The Warden picked them up by the scruffs of their necks like puppies, kicked his door open, and threw them unceremoniously into the hallway.

When he returned to his desk, he made an announcement over the P.A.: "May I have your attention. The tummy is off-limits. That is all."
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Knocked Up - Jail Edition   Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:37 pm

Second Trimester

Months 4 through 6 of the pregnancy are called the second trimester. Most women feel more energized in this period, and begin to put on weight as the symptoms of morning sickness subside and eventually fade away. Although the fetus begins moving and takes a recognizable human shape during the first trimester, it is not until the second trimester that movement of the fetus, often referred to as "quickening", can be felt. This typically happens in the fourth month more specifically in the 20 to 21 week or by the 18th week if you've been pregnant before. However, it is not uncommon for some women to not feel the baby move until much later. The placenta is now fully functioning and the fetus is making insulin and urinating. The reproductive organs can be recognized, and can distinguish the fetus as male or female.

--

Month 4

-

For the past three months, the Warden had steeped in denial. He'd hoped against hope that, just maybe, by some stretch, all the tests were wrong.

But now he'd started to show.

It was like a death sentence; there were few ways out of it, and even fewer opportunities to use them. A lot could happen in six months, but this meant it really was a go. He, a man, really was heavy with child.

As if to cement this fact, he found a surprise baby shower in his office.

The inmates, at least most of them, were apparently suckers for children. They'd orchestrated it all themselves, gotten clothes and toys and hallmark cards for gifts, and baked and decorated a carrot cake. It was a sight, all these serial killers and arsonists and thieves bouncing on their heels to give with open arms to the pregnant man, and generally behaving like giddy schoolchildren around an expectant teacher.

And the Warden had to smile and pretend he appreciated their thoughtfulness.

--

Month 5

-

Feeling the first twinge of back pain, the Warden uncomfortably slid out of bed. He went to the closet with a horrid purpose. There was only one way to stop this.

He shifted through the hangers until he finally came to one made of wire. Careful to keep the tip in a spiral, he unwound it. Now was the hard part: where should it be placed?

"Sir?"

He turned with a start.

"Sir, what are you doing with that hanger?" Jared asked, knowing the answer.

The Warden glanced at the hanger as if he didn't know how it got in his hand. Then he dropped it and collapsed to the floor in a sudden wave of nausea and sadness. This wouldn't solve anything; it would hurt more than it helped; but what was he supposed to do?

"I don't want to have a baby, Jared."

"But Sir, once you got over the initial shock, you seemed so happy..."

"I was putting it on. For Alice. She really, really wants to be a mother."

There was a silence.

"Sir, if you don't want to go through with this, then don't. It's your body, after all."

"But it's her seed. And maybe... maybe she'll finally love me. If just for the good of the child.

But I don't want that," he interrupted as Jared started to speak after another silence. "I want her to love me for me, not just because a kid should have both parents." He curled up and started to cry. "It's a no-win, Jared. The only way out is miscarriage."

When he managed to pull himself together, Jared wasn't there. But all the wire hangers had been removed from the closet.

--

Month 6

-

With his back pain getting worse by the day, the Warden savored these last few days he'd get to sit at his desk before being confined to his bed like an invalid. He poked at his stomach, stretched out from the parasite growing in his midsection. Too late to hope against hope that something "bad" would happen; he was stuck with this, now until eighteen years passed.

An unwanted pregnancy you can't get out of is an absolutely terrifying prospect, and only those that have had them know just how much so.

He looked up, eyes misted with tears, as Alice came into his office. "How are the two of you?" she asked.

"Well..."

She handed him a delicately wrapped little box. "I got you bon-bons. The most expensive ones I could find."

Two-hundred dollar bon-bons, in such a beautifully decorated case. Such a gift, from Alice, no less, would never have failed to lift his spirits, or so he thought. But the bon-bons shoved him even further into depression. It was the reason behind her getting them; if he wasn't pregnant with her child, she'd never have spent the money on such a gesture. These weren't for him, they were for the vessel carrying her flesh and blood.

"Alice..." was all he could get out before he burst into heaving sobs.

The musclebound lady took him in her arms and patted him on the back, as if comforting a child. "It's okay. Just three more months, and you'll be glad you went through all this. You'll wonder what life was ever like without our baby."

Too true, he thought. Too true.
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Knocked Up - Jail Edition   Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:45 pm

Third Trimester

Final weight gain takes place, which is the most weight gain throughout the pregnancy. The fetus will be growing the most rapidly during this stage, gaining up to 28g per day. The woman's belly will transform in shape as the belly drops due the fetus turning in a downward position ready for birth. During the second trimester, the woman's belly would have been very upright, whereas in the third trimester it will drop down quite low, the woman will be able to lift her belly up and down. The fetus begins to move regularly, and is felt by the woman. Fetal movement can become quite strong and be disruptive to the woman. The woman's navel will sometimes become convex, "popping" out, due to her expanding abdomen. This period of her pregnancy can be uncomfortable, causing symptoms like weak bladder control and back-ache. Movement of the fetus becomes stronger and more frequent and via improved brain, eye, and muscle function the fetus is prepared for ex utero viability. The woman can feel the fetus "rolling" and it may cause pain or discomfort when it is near the woman's ribs and spine.

--

Month 7

-

He felt something kick. A shot of pain. A contraction.

No, it's too early...

There was a claw at his insides. Something was chewing its way out. Like an alien.

He fell to the floor, calling out helplessly. It, that unholy product of an unholy union, scratched his stomach open from the inside.

He only caught a glimpse of a shriveled, pink demon of a child before everything went black.

Then he woke from the dream to inmates playing thrash music into earphones on his stomach.

"News flash, heathens," he snarled as he kicked them out, "usually Mozart is played for babies in the womb - not Metallica!"

--

Month 8

-

Now he woke up to techno music.

"No, go away," he snapped, pulling the covers over his head. "I don't want twins. I don't want to have them and I don't want them in my room. I just want to be left alone. Leave. Now."

They glanced to each other, and then took a ratty old stuffed doberman toy and put it on the bed in front of him

"I said go-" He went quiet, reaching for the dog as if testing to make sure it was real. He picked it up, gently rubbing the area where it was missing one eye. Then he hugged it, causing it to sputter a grainy snarl from a weathered soundbox.

"It's Doby. I thought I'd never see him again. When I was a kid and it felt like the world was full of nothing but badness, I'd hug Doby, and I'd know he'd keep me safe and everything would be okay. But Father took him away one day because he thought I was too old to cuddle a stuffed animal all the time." He squeezed Doby to his heart, causing the last of the box to fizzle out. "Poor boy. He's lost his voice. But he still makes my sad go away."

He glanced up to the twins. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you how happy I am that you found Doby. Everyone..." He bit his lip. "Everyone means well, and they want to do whatever they can for me. I'm sure they've got the due date marked on their calenders. I... I must be the only one who's unhappy..."

At length, he managed to pull himself together. "Here," he said, lying back."I know you two really want to touch my stomach. So go ahead."

After a beat, they timidly reached for the swell, as if he might change his mind and bite them. Then they rubbed purposefully, as if looking for something. And then they pulled away in surprise.

"What? Is something wrong?"

Another enigmatic glance between the pair. "Well... we get the feeling you'll be the only happy one when it's born."

--

Month 9

-

"Jailbot... I'm fine, really."

The robot fluffed his pillow.

"You don't have to stay."

Stay Jailbot did, as it had the past three days.

"I'm fine. Besides, you have things to d-"

He felt a twinge. "Oh. Oh my god. I think..." Another one, a spasm of pain in his gut.

"It's time!"

Right away Jailbot carted him to the ward that had been built specifically for this moment. It laid him out gently - which was still rough and tumble, since Jailbot doesn't know its own strength - on the pristine hospital bed and went to fetch the staff.

The Warden tossed and turned as the spawn tried to force itself out. It was indecisive; it picked one exit, and then changed its mind and went the other way, and so forth. Like a little yo-yo. A painful little yo-yo.

Matters got exponentially worse as the Doctor came in with his assistants in tow. Not a doctor; the resident doctor of Superjail. The one who played God each day as he turned prisoners into cruel jokes on nature.

"I want a real doctor!" the Warden squeaked.

The Doctor presented his medical licence as he ordered the anesthetic to be applied.

The Warden pleaded one last time as they forced the mask over him and the anesthetic did its work; and then he slipped into a tranquil unconsciousness.

Only one thought lingered in his head: it was a good thing these psychos were in charge. Maybe they might screw up, on purpose or accidentally, and he'd be off the hook, guilt-free. Because it wouldn't be his fault.

-

Hyperventilating like he'd somehow never done before, Jared sat in the waiting hall just outside the operating room with a growing crowd of inmates. "Where's Alice? Is she in with the Warden?"

As if to answer his question, she soon arrived. "Why didn't you tell me he was in labor?"

"I only just now found out."

She made for the door, but one of the Doctor's assistants ran out, her gloved hands coated in mucus and blood. "It's a C-Section. You can't go in," she said over her shoulder.

So Alice joined Jared in hyperventilating on an uncomfortable chair. An eternity passed. The assistant did not return. The loud clock hanging over the door seemed to tick every minute instead of second.

And then the Doctor emerged.

"Well?" Alice asked, short of breath.

The Doctor calmly pulled one glove off by the fingers.

"Well?" she asked more forcefully.

He did the same with the other glove, and tossed them both in a nearby trash can. Then he took a deep, hesitant breath, and...

-

The Warden inched out of his stupor towards consciousness. Finally, he'd made peace with the fact that he was a father. He was finally ready to hold that bundle in his arms and give it a good and proper name.

"Where's our baby?" he asked Alice once his vision cleared enough to see her.

She went to speak, then held it back, conflicted on how to break the news.

"W-what?" He sat up, felt a minor twinge of pain where his stitches were. "Was it stillborn? Did it die during the C-Section? Or is... Alice, tell me that mad doc isn't turning our baby into an owl!"

"There is no baby. There never was."

He blinked, the corner of his mouth turning up in a "you-can't-be-serious" half-smile. "Huh? But the tests... and I was showing... And I went into labor..."

"The tests came up positive because what was really inside you was mucking with your hormones. And then it grew, and eventually your body had to get rid of it. It was just a tumor."

"I-is he sure?"

"One-hundred percent."

There was a long silence, during which Alice blew her nose and the Warden blinked a few more times. Then he got up. "I-I need to take a walk."

"You're not supposed to move for a day at least."

"All the same, I need to take a walk."

And she let him go, because she needed to sit down.

He sneaked out in the hall, past Jared, who'd fainted, and the group of disappointed inmates twidling their thumbs and clearing their throats. He slinked to an area where no one would see him. And then...

"Woo-hoo!"

He put every circus performer who'd ever live to shame that day. He backflipped twice in the air, juggled twenty chainsaws on a unicycle, and all but shot himself out of a cannon. It was over. It was over! And he came out of it with no five pound weight on his ankle! It was cause for purest celebration!

And then he felt the splat of his innards falling onto the floor.

"...My stitches..." was all he could say for himself before he passed out, fortunately to be found by the absent assistant later.
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Knocked Up - Jail Edition   Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:47 pm

Trouble Ahead

--

The Warden leaned back at his desk, tilted his head up, and sighed a sigh of pure relief. "Glad that's over!" Sure, he'd done this every day for a month, but it really was a giant load taken off his shoulders.

Then Jared came in. "...Sir? I have bad news and worse news."

The Warden slouched. "Are you trying to ruin my day?"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but this is... well, the bad news is, now I'm pregnant."

The Warden rubbed his forehead in exasperation. Didn't that just figure. "And what's the worse news?"

"Well, the worse news is... is... it's yours, Sir..."

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