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 (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal

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Jackalope
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PostSubject: (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal   Fri Dec 05, 2008 5:52 pm

Know this: Johnny was actually made in the WarioWare fandom; he's Mona's brother. But no references are made to anything from WarioWare in this story. I've decided just to mark it as being set in Superjail, even though very technically it's a crossover.

---

As always when he got arrested for crimes he never committed, Johnny barely knew what hit him. There he'd been, minding his own business, when some guy with that ex-con feel to him shoved a bag of money into his hands. Seconds later, a robot came out of nowhere and whisked him to some volcano in the middle of nowhere. And now here he was, being escorted down the halls of what was known as Superjail by a transvestite prison guard to the warden's office.

He'd heard of Superjail only through shady rumors. It was the biggest prison in existence, putting Alcatraz to utter shame. The worst of the worst were sent here to rot or die. At last count, the inmates numbered seventy-thousand. And the daily death toll was nearly a tenth of that.

All Johnny could think was, whatever he got framed for, it had to be bad. So bad, in fact, that the warden himself wanted to meet Johnny in person.

He'd faced many a prison official before, but none with the sheer, demented genius it took to make such a place as Superjail. And now all there was between him and the Warden of wardens was this door. Who? Who was the mind behind Superjail?

Why, none other than Willy Wonka.

"Hello, Johnathan," Willy addressed him. "I've been expecting you."

Johnny stepped into the room timidly. Surely the owner of the fabled chocolate factory didn't also build Superjail. The worst was yet to come. "I-... I'm here to, uh... meet with the warden..."

"You're looking at him."

Oh, no way. "You."

"That's right."

Johnny felt an illness build in his stomach. "You're the warden of Superjail."

"That would be I."

"Johnny Depp."

"The same."

Johnny had no idea why this concept offended him, but it did. Wait, it was the reason. Wardens weren't supposed to be goofy Roald Dahl characters!

"You look like a demented magician!" he blurted out.

Taking the lack of respect in stride, the warden took off his hat and pulled a mutilated rabbit carcass out of it.

As he stared at the rotting corpse, Johnny's disappointment slowly turned back into the fear from before. This was his biggest indication that he was up the creek, not just with no paddle, but with no boat. Mr. Wonka was clearly not to be underestimated.

"Why have you called me here, Mister...?"

"It's just 'the Warden'. And I always love to meet new prisoners."

No. There was another purpose. The Warden couldn't possibly have the time to meet all the 10,000+ prisoners sent here every day.

"Warden, I swear, I was framed. I've never actually stolen anything in my life, or done whatever this crime is that was so bad."

The Warden clicked his tongue. "Oh Johnny, you pathological liar. How can you stand there and tell me that when you have those five Rolexes on your arm?"

"Oh, these." Johnny tapped one. "I have them all set to different time zones, but Alaska broke about five mont- I mean, what watches?" he saved himself, rolling his sleeve down.

"The truth be told, Johnny, I honestly don't care if you're guilty or not."

"W-what? But-"

The Warden cut him short, reaching quite literally across the room to slap him. "You see, Johnathan, I know what you're thinking. You think as soon as you go back to your cell, you'll break out of here, just as you have with every jail before."

He leaned across the desk ominously. "I bet you didn't know it, but I've heard a ton of you. And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you. Now, you're a master of breaking, son, but give this warden his due; I bet my Superjail is the first that can hold you. You'll only be leaving here in a body bag."

It took moments for this to sink in to Johnny's consciousness. The Warden knew he was a notorious jailbreaker, and here he was daring him to try it! An overconfident smirk spread over Johnny's face. This was a bet he couldn't lose! He'd make the Warden of wardens eat his words!

He came up to the desk and leaned across it to be face to face with the Warden. "Okay, then I bet that I'll break out of Superjail within a month! And if I win, I can never be sent back here!"

"And if I win, your skull will sit on my desk as a trophy for all eternity."

Was that a threat? Prisoners dropped like flies in Superjail, but it was rather strange to assume if Johnny didn't break out, he would die. Unless the Warden intended to kill him once the month was up.

But still. "I'll take your bet, and you're gonna regret it, 'cause I'm the best that's ever been!"

When the two pulled away, the world was distinctly different to Johnny from before. It was some demented Candy Land, with the buildings visible in the window in front of him made of gumdrops and pennywhistles. He realized that the Warden's rose-tinted glasses had come off on his face.

The Warden pulled another pair out of his shirt. "Keep them. I'm sure seeing Superjail the way I do will influence your escape plan, for better or worse. Now back to your cell with you."

As Johnny turned to go, the Warden hit a button on his chocolate eclair desk that opened a trap door beneath the professional breaker. The glasses remained suspended where Johnny had been as he fell into the largest water slide he'd ever seen in his life.

---

Off in some corner, a pair of bizzare eurotrash watched Johnny flail helplessly as the slide tossed him hither and yon.

"The world's greatest jailbreaker versus the world's most psychotic warden," the first observed. "Now there's a war for the prison books."

"Shall we tip the odds in the Warden's favor again?" the second asked.
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal   Sat Dec 06, 2008 12:27 pm

Upon being deposited in his cell, Johnny promptly lost the lunch he had yet to eat in the facilities. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and took the uniform off.

He held it up and studied it. What was so interesting about it was that he'd already been wearing a prison-type jumpsuit when he'd been sent here. This one, which had merely been slipped over it, was exactly the same, right down to the ID: 1337. How redundant.

Unless the Warden had been expecting him from the start...

Johnny wasn't sure whether he was being paranoid or had hit the nail on the head. The Warden was clearly capable of anything and everything. Slowly it came to him that he might well had made a terrible mistake in making that bet. Would it be a fair fight, or was he just a puppet deluded into thinking he could stand against the master?

Either way, he couldn't turn back now. He had to go through with escaping. Do or die; there was no try. If he won, he'd never get sent back to this hellhole; but should he lose, the Warden gets his skull.

"Not as long as my name is Johnny Da Vinci."

The first step was to observe his surroundings. Some jails were easier to break out of than others, but all have at least one weakness.

He tested his cell door's lock, and the door merely swung open. Outside, other inmates roamed the halls unchecked. Superjail seemed to give free range to the prisoners; if that wasn't its weakness, it was a start.

He stepped into the hall cautiously. Death literally surrounded him on all sides as shanked bodies littered the floor. As a precaution, he stuffed his extra uniform down his back.

The other inmates bandied the usual prison threats at Johnny as he skulked through the halls. He ignored all of it; these were nothing he hadn't heard in other prisons, and, surprisingly, only a few try to go through with their threats.

But he did pay attention to the prisoners themselves. He had to learn who was where in the hierarchy here. Not only to know who not to mess with, but who could help him if he could manage to get on their good side.

He stopped and straightened as a spectacled prisoner with a shifty-looking bird on his shoulder approached. Johnny bowed in respect when they came close, but both bird and inmate paid him no heed and kept on. Johnny turned and watched them go. They, he was sure, were the top of Superjail's food chain. It was only a hunch, but he was good at telling.

Then there was a bell. Johnny had no time to figure out what it signified before a stampede of inmates came down the hall and engulfed him. Pained screams and the sound of bodies being crushed filled the hallways. As he kept in step to avoid being trampled, Johnny rapidly decided he was growing tired of being whisked away where he had no control.

When the herd dispersed, Johnny found himself in the mess hall. A line formed quickly, and he had no choice but to keep following. It slid like a well-oiled machine, and before he knew it, he was out amongst the crowd to find a table, carrying the most appetizing prison food he never knew could exist.

It may have been that way because, as Johnny soon learned, the staff ate here too. He brushed shoulders with the Mad Hatter in the shuffle. They stopped and turned to face each other, eyes locked in a subtle internal conflict. Then the Warden winked slyly and vanished as someone passed in between them.

Johnny forced himself not to be fazed as he realized he'd looked straight into the eyes of a psychopath.

As it turned out, the food looked and smelled a lot better than it tasted. Johnny decided he wasn't hungry after sampling each section, and used his full tray as an excuse to wander around, looking like he was searching for a better table. In truth, of course, he was looking to see if he could incorporate the lunch room into his escape.

Flyers and notices lined the walls, stating the times of extracurricular activities and advertizing the same. There was a book club, a math club, and other sorts of things that felt like they'd fit better in a school. But then he saw one that laid his escape plan out for him just by existing: Magic Week.

Johnny had come in at the beginning of the week, where all interested had two days to order their kits. They were given four days to decide on their act and practice. Then, on the last day, the Variety Magic Show began.

He couldn't have picked a better time to be framed and sent to Superjail. There were so many ways he could use magic to escape, it made his head hurt just thinking about it. He ripped a form off the flyer and filled it out eagerly with a pen dangling nearby.

But wait. This was too convenient. Everything fell into place too neatly. The only explanation Johnny could see beyond purest coincidence was that the Warden had fixed it somehow so he would be sent here, make the bet, and then find the best vehicle for breaking out. Everything he did, then, was completely under the Warden's control.

"No," Johnny had to tell himself. "He may have planned all of this, but it's because he wants to test me. See if I'm worthy. Worthy of what?"

He placed the finished order form in the nearby mail slot. "It doesn't matter," he continued, not noticing the robot who'd brought him to Superjail come up behind him. "With this, I'll bust out of here faster than that mad hatter can say 'Jailbr-'"

Jailbot slammed him in the head with his E-Z Magic Kit and went about its way.

---

Johnny woke up what felt like hours later, but couldn't have been because the last of the prisoners were leaving the hall. He found that he had his magic kit, his head was pounding, Mountain time was now broken (or had just stopped), and food was splattered all over his jumpsuit. He now felt lucky he'd been given a spare, because there would be stains, and he took pride in looking clean.

He brushed the bulk of the slop off, took his magic kit, and went back to his cell to see what he had to work with. He didn't notice the twins watching him go from under a table.
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal   Mon Dec 08, 2008 3:25 pm

Two days had passed since Johnny entered Magic Week. He was now dead-set on escaping, whatever it took. And not just because of the bet.

He now stood in the show room where the VMS would take place, and where all the other applicants now practiced their acts in curtained cubicles. He fussed with his blue magician's tux - a mirror of the Warden's except that it lacked a hat - and wrung his gloved hands, stressed. It was a late-night visit from the prison guard, Alice, yesterday that was upsetting him.

"I can't believe the falculty gets away with that," he whined under his breath to himself, swaying a bit as the other magicians walked around him making preparations. "I expected that kind of thing from the other prisoners, but- but a guard? And she was... Oh, it just wasn't right!"

"Oh, calm down, New Guy," another inmate told him as he passed. "It's not like you're the first."

Johnny blinked, and then just took his kit and found an empty cubicle in the room to practice.

He shifted through the kit's contents and pulled out a few tricks. After a rough process of elimination, he'd narrowed it down to the vanishing tricks. Obvious. The trick, so to speak, was finding the least obvious of those.

He picked up a flag, Confederate for some reason, and tried out the Vanishing Limbs trick. He stretched his arm and held the flag over it. Watching himself in the mirror, he slowly pulled the flag towards his body. And the trick worked - he could still see his arm if he glanced to his side, but in the mirror, there was nothing. Deciding not to question how this was possible, he then started to try it out on his whole body.

Then, in another cubicle, someone messed up their trick, the old "Sawing a Person in Half", and a chain reaction of chaos ensued. Balloon animals popped. Cards fell to the ground in that nefarious 52-Card Pickup. Rabbits went raving rabid. Sparkling purple smoke filled the room.

And Johnny, peering out from the relative safety of his cubicle, saw opportunity.

In these situations of mass jail panic, the prisoners are the irresistible force, and the guards are the immovable objects. But there can only be so many objects for each force. Many a time, Johnny's used this kind of confusion, facilitated or otherwise, to escape.

Between the pretty smoke and the fact Superjail had only one guard (two if you counted Jailbot), it was a sure thing. He slipped out of his cubicle and joined the masses, pretending to wig out, but instead searching around efficiently for an exit.

And then, of course, wouldn't he have to be the one force that hit the object.

"Not so fast, Houdini," Alice growled, picking him up by his tux collar. "You'll have to do a lot better than that." The bulky shemale dragged Johnny out of the hoopla and toward his cell. But there was not safety there for him. Far from it.

Johnny struggled as if his very life depended on it, but the way she gripped him made it impossible to get away. She flung him unceremoniously into his cell, and he chipped a tooth as his jaw hit the floor. Instinctively, he started to curl into a ball. Last night played vividly in his mind, and it was about to happen again...

Not. She locked him in and returned to the show room.

Johnny straightened out and pulled himself together. His nice blue tux had gotten dirty, but fortunately nothing a little soap and water couldn't get out. He took it off and put it aside, deciding to do his practicing in his foodstained uniform from now on.

---

This was it, the big day. The Variety Magic Show was a go, and Johnny was up in five minutes.

He stood offstage fussing with his tux and picking lint off his Confederate flag. Now his worry was that he'd lost whatever made him such a master jailbreaker. Sure, he may just have been unlucky last time, but Johnny had never failed a serious escape attempt before.

And the power of Superjail was all against him. Alice had her eye on him. The Warden may well be pulling his strings. That stresspot accountant he'd seen occasionally, clearly a suck-up to the Warden, would undoubtedly do what he could to help Wonka win his bet. And, of course, there was Jailbot.

And now, as he turned to face whoever tapped his shoulder, it seemed all the rest of the inmates were against him too. There were the top of the food chain themselves, Gary and his bird, with what had to be a sixth of Superjail's inmate population.

"Hey, Johnny! We know what you're planning to do!"

Gary wasn't the one who spoke, but he was the first to step forward. Johnny shrunk down as much as he could, anticipating some horrid mauling. The spectacled inmate took his gloved hand firmly and... shook it?

The rest of the inmates came forward, each shaking his hand in a wish of good luck.

"Knock 'em dead, Johnny Jailbreaker."

"Show 'em all what you're made of."

"If anybody can, it's you."

"The Warden's dream is that he can win; but you're the best that's ever been."

Johnny took the well-wishing first with shock, then in stride, and finally with pride. They were all right. Now it wasn't just about a bet anymore; if he pulled this off, there was hope for his fellow inmates, who one day might do it too.

No. Not if. He would.
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal   Wed Dec 17, 2008 5:02 pm

Jared the accountant waved for Johnny to come onstage. "You're up, Johnny!"

Flag in hand, Johnny marched confidently to the center of the stage. The show lights flicked on, momentarily blinding him. When his vision returned, he froze like a deer in headlights at the sight of the massive audience who'd bear witness to his escape.

Do or die, Johnny.

He inhaled deeply and composed himself. Glancing back out at the crowd, he forced himself not to meet Alice's glare, or the Warden's Cheshire Cat grin, or Jailbot's... complete lack of expression. Instead he returned the gazes of the other prisoners, waiting patiently to see Johnny Jailbreaker serve his greatest coup yet.

He spread his arms with a magician's flair. "Lady and gentlemen, I present the Vanishing Limbs trick."

This was the most stressful part. As he brought the flag over his arm and pulled it back, he had no way of telling whether the trick was working. As he deftly tossed the flag to his other hand and redid the process, he realized it was horribly obvious how he planned to escape.

Do or die; there is no try.

He gripped the pole in the middle, letting the flag touch the floor. "And now, I shall make my entire body disappear." Putting total faith in his abilities, he slowly raised the Southern flag over his body, and--

"It's happening! Magic Week's disaster is happening!"

Jared ran out from offstage and screeched to a halt in front of Willy Wonka. "Sir, it's the twins! They're being really obvious about it this time! Killer rabbits! Do something, Sir!"

The Warden picked the little man up as if he was a small child. "Are you kidding, Jared? I love those vipers in my bosom! They're about to help me win my bet!"

At that, as if on cue, a pack of gigantic, mutant rabbits burst through the wall, knocking Johnny across the room. The snarling beasts spread through the room of their own designs, excepting two whom the twins controlled by tugging the creatures' ears.

"We are the true masters of illusion."

"Houdini, eat your heart out."

The raving rabbits started in on the crowd. Inmates scattered. The other magicians came in, using their acts on the monsters. One sawed a bunny in half. Another turned one into a bird which then pecked his eyes out. A third decided it wasn't worth it and ended up accidentally blowing himself up in a misfire of his smoke bomb.

His spleen landed a few feet away. A bunny slipped on it and fell, crushing many prisoners. Jailbot picked it up and stuffed it into a hat, doing the same with five others. Alice took a bunny by its ears and swung it Super Mario 64 style. Jared petted one docile bunny until a wayward rib bone sliced it open. He ran off, crying all the while.

The Warden managed to climb astride one bunny. As the rabbit bucked, his hat fell off. It hit Johnny in the head as it fluttered to the ground. He stared at it, thoroughly confused, until a rabbit charged toward him.

He squeaked.

---

"Come, now! His skull isn't going to find itself!"

The Warden, swelled with pride over having won his bet, had his staff on hand and knee picking through the carnage for what was left of Johnny.

"Sir," Jared squeaked, throwing a pancreas away, "you're making a rather big assumption, that Johnny died."

The Mad Hatter chuckled at that. "Look at all this, Jared. Nobody could have survived this!"

"We did, Sir."

He harrumphed at that, and glanced around the room for the twins. As usual, they were nowhere to be found.

Subtly, as his back was turned, the twins slipped up behind him and set his hat on the ground next to him. When he turned back, they vanished, but he did notice his hat. "There you went," he said to it, putting back where it belonged.

There was no sign that Johnny had been there; there were no tuxes the shade of blue he'd worn, nor any Confederate flags. Alice, already sick of digging around, found a battered head with Johnny's shade of orange hair. There were a lot of carrottops in Superjail, but she tossed the head over anyway, hoping he'd buy it.

"Ah! Here it is! Good job, Alice."
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PostSubject: Re: (Superjail!) Smooth Criminal   Sat Dec 20, 2008 10:04 pm

Some two weeks later, the Warden noticed today was the last day Johnny would have had to break out to win the wager.

"I wonder if you could have done it, if not for your dying?" he asked the dry skull on his desk. "Probably not. My jail isn't like any other, Johnny. It's Superjail. Ah, but you know that by now, don't you?"

He reclined in his cell, still brimming with the glory of Superjail's status of being the only jail Johnny couldn't break out of. Even though Johnny had been incarcerated in thousands of different jails, no other warden in the world could say that.

"Warden, sir," Jared called over the speakerphone, "there's someone who wants to see you."

"Who?"

"He wants it to be a surprise, Sir."

"Eh, go ahead and send him in." As he waited, he put his trophy on his hand like a puppet. Finally, someone was coming whom he could show off to.

As the visitor kicked his door down, the Warden started on an impression. But his words hung in the air as his guest said the one phrase he'd thought was impossible...

"Heeeeeerrrrrre's Johnny!"

The Warden dropped the skull in shock. It was Johnny, the very same, right down to his 1337. "Y-you cheeky bard!" he spat, not knowing where the expression came from. "How!?"

Johnny put on his smirk, and began his story:

"When your hat fell off, it clonked me in the head and fell next to me. And when I saw that rabbit about to kill me, I did my trick and jumped into your hat. Nice room, by the way; one bed, two bath. I was comfy.

I holed up in there for awhile, until today, when I found out I was gonna lose the bet if I didn't get out of here. So this morning, I got out and hid in a trash bin that was going out. Nobody saw me, either, so my trick worked like a charm.

So, the bin got dumped in that incinerator-slash-compactor you have in this crazy place, and that's when things got hot, if you'll give me that. My tux and flag got burned up; you should have seen me rush to undo the trick while the flag was on fire."

Johnny paused for a second and tugged sadly at his jumpsuit. "I'll miss my tuxedo. Nicest thing I've ever worn, and pretty much the only thing besides this. But anyway...

I managed to get out of there, and then I found myself right at the main gate. It was great. I knew I'd won and you could go eat your hat.

Then your little big-headed accountant guy - Jerry or something - walked by, and I called, 'Hey, you!' The guy wet his pants. I saw it when he turned around, and it was hilarious.

I told him I'd won the bet, but he said 'Not until you're outside the jail.' You can imagine how embarrassing that was. So I went through the gate. 'A little more,' he says. 'Little more. Little more. Okay, you're out.'"

"Benedict!" the Warden yelled under his breath, grinding his jaw at Jared's treachery. Then he noticed the sort of silence in the room. "Sorry. Continue."

"That's it. I asked to rub your face in it, and now here I am."

The Warden stared at him as if he didn't believe a single word. Then he got up and came around the desk. Johnny tensed as the Mad Hatter came close, but all he did was shake his hand sportingly. "I concede, Mr. Da Vinci," he said with a strangely weird-sounding courtesy. "You've more than proven yourself to be the best jailbreaker there is. So, as per the terms of our wager, you can never be sent back to Superjail."

Johnny blinked in shock at this.

The Warden blinked at his blinking. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, sir."

"Good." He returned to his desk. "Good fortune to you, Johnny Jailbreaker. And be sure you keep on breaking out of any and all prisons that try to hold you. If Superjail can't have this distinction, nobody can."

"You can count on that, Mr. the Warden."

When he was a few paces off in the hallway, Johnny cursed himself. This was the best jail he'd ever been sent to, that thing with Alice aside, and he'd locked himself out of it!

"Well, I guess I'll give myself the grand tour before I go. Nothing wrong with that, I'm sure.

---

Nobody noticed when Johnny finally took his leave. If they had, they might have noticed that he looked a litttle off. No, not a little; a lot. Most noticeable was that his hair looked like it'd been dyed - poorly - with food coloring. But nobody saw him go.

In a cell in the inmates' quarters, Jacknife, that convict who'd framed Johnny a month ago, put the finishing touches on a facsimile of one of his own tattoos. Then it was on to the next one.

His black hair then fell off, revealing a shrub of orange.

Johnny replaced the wig moments before Alice walked by his cell. "Close one," he breathed. It felt pretty odd breaking into a jail for once, but he'd done it; nobody suspected a thing.

He knew, sooner or later, the real Jacknife would be captured again, and someone would discover Johnny's clever little plan; but until then, he'd live la vida loca.

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